Now That's What I Call Loving An Addict: Volume 1
Welcome to TUL’s guest blog series! These articles serve as a platform for guests to share their personal journeys, revealing how they embrace an unwasted life. Be inspired by the heartfelt narrative of Jessie Repeta, who shares her experience as a wife navigating her partner’s addiction.
I am a child of the '90s. I was raised on Bath & Bodyworks roll-on glitter, No Doubt, and parents who punished me. You know, all the classics.
We’re talking soap in the mouth, timeouts, being spanked, and my personal least favorite: “if you don’t stop pinching your sibling, you won’t get dessert.”
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I did what any good millennial does: I took to the internet for all the advice. It didn’t take long before the algorithm matched me to a phenomenon some 2.8 million other parents had already started following: “connective parenting.” Be still, my Mr. Roger’s-loving heart!
With connective parenting, guided by the minds of Dr. Becky and Little Big Feelings, I quickly learned that punitive measures don't teach kids right from wrong. Instead, they create children who live in fear of showing their big feelings and who develop harmful self-perceptions. Long gone are the days of '90s parenting, when a kid who feels overstimulated and throws a temper tantrum is met with a timeout. Because when we do so, our kids are being conditioned to feel that they aren’t worthy of our attention when they feel mad, sad, or angry. We, as a society, have entered into the era of setting boundaries and validating feelings, so we can better teach our children that there are no bad feelings, only appropriate ways to react to those feelings.
It wasn’t until after my husband went to treatment for alcohol use disorder that I had my "aha" moment: the “connective loving someone with an addiction” movement hadn’t quite taken off yet.
My husband hid his drinking from me for two years before he went to treatment. Sometimes, he hid it better than others. In one specific instance, I found a trash bag full of empty cans hidden in the garage. I approached my husband aggressively, immediately accusing him and threatening our relationship unless he told me the truth.
So what did he do? He immediately got defensive and lied directly to my face.
Ah, yes. The adult addiction equivalent of pinching my sibling and then lying to my parents about it so that my dessert wasn’t taken away.
I was full of nothing but tough love, ultimatums, and shaming statements when it came to my husband’s drinking. I was "90’s parenting" my husband’s alcohol use disorder, and it did exactly what you’d expect: created resentment, shame, and drove him deeper into his addiction.
But that’s what the books had told me, right? That’s what the support group had suggested?
Hell, even the most well-known intervention method, the Johnson Method, suggests gathering the person with an addiction's loved ones in a circle to read shame-filled letters and then wrapping it up with a nice ultimatum “go to treatment or we’re done” bow.
This interaction didn’t just happen during the times of my husband’s active addiction, but followed us through to the early stages of his sobriety.
“If you want to move your loved one closer to recovery, we must shift from punishment to support, from shame to compassion.”
It was two weeks after my husband came home from treatment when it happened. My lightbulb moment…errr, my AOL dial-up moment since it took me so damn long to realize it. He went out to grill burgers and realized this was the first time in his entire life he had done this without a drink in his hand. He was feeling triggered and knew he should share it with me to rebuild trust, but he didn’t want to share it for fear of how I would react.
He shared all of that with me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not created a safe space for my husband to share. I hadn’t been validating his feelings, only threatening him for having them.
It’s long overdue that we rethink our approach.
Just as we have evolved in our parenting methods, recognizing the power of empathy, understanding, and validation, we need to apply these principles to our relationships with loved ones struggling with addiction. The science is clear: harsh punishments and shame do not foster healthy development or recovery. They drive our loved ones further into isolation, further into their addiction.
If you want to move your loved one closer to recovery, we must shift from punishment to support, from shame to compassion. By setting and enforcing boundaries while validating the struggles our loved ones face, we can create an environment where healing and recovery are possible—for both us and the people we love with an addiction.
Connect with Jessie on Instagram at @jessierepeta